Is getting married your stopgap for having an actual plan with your life?
There’s no question that we live in a time where meaning — and having a reason for living — is a challenge for a lot of people. Combine that with modern social alienation, and primary relationships become the locus in which all issues existential must be fixed. The only place in which they can be fixed.
And then one day an entire generation wakes up at 28 with deep anxiety about the fact that they’re not married yet. Womp-womp-wooomp.
Now before you get all lizard-brain defensive on me, I geddit. I spent a decade chasing that picture too. A decade during which I compromised my goals, dreams and values, all in the name and hope of finding and keeping that elusive One we’re all conditioned and pressurised into seeking. I guess it looked nice in the pictures.
A fair swathe of my contemporaries caught that boat. “Yes our lifestyles are compatible, yes you’re good looking enough — you’ll do!” — and then 5 years later, I meet up with those seemingly perfect couples to find people who have nothing left to say to other, who drink too much, fight bitterly, and are trapped together and having to stick it out for the sake of two young kids.
I got lucky — my picket fence plans didn’t work out, despite my best efforts to make it stick. Today, I’m living life on my own terms, while also being in one of the healthiest relationships to date.
The difference now? I’m not asking my partner to fix me, or make my life meaningful. That’s my job, and I’m taking full responsibility for it.
Loneliness in marriages is a thing.
But take it from me, there is nothing lonelier than waking up next to someone on a Sunday morning whom you don’t want to be with any more.
I had an ex contact me a while ago after we’d not spoken in years. She thought I was a dick. She regretted our entire relationship. She hated me. And yet when the loneliness cornered her in that get-married-at-all-costs cage she’d created for herself, who did she mail?
I found it deeply unedifying.
So before you go making massive decisions with lifelong implications, consider the following carefully:
Getting married won’t solve your existential crises.
It won’t fix your mommy or daddy issues.
It won’t mean that you’re doing something you value with your life.
It’s not a partner’s job to solve that puzzle. It’s not your ex’s job either. It’s yours. It’s ALL yours, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.
So if you find yourself unmarried in your late 20s or even late 30s, now is the optimum time to ask yourself:
Are you already living a life you value, independently of your relationship status?
Are you whole and satisfied with the trajectory of your life?
Because if you’re not, settling down with someone in the hope that a marriage is going to magically tick all those those boxes is going to be a fucking disaster in the mid term.
And yes, having children to try fix things at that point will be an even worse idea, so don’t go doing something outright stupid.
You’d think this is common knowledge, but apparently it’s not.
And of course… not everyone is a closet Elon Musk. Some people do just replicate their parents. But if you’re a seeker at any level, chances are you’ll be one still after you tie the knot and the novelty of marriage has worn off.
Except then you’ll have more obligations with more expected of you, and with far less room to manoeuvre.
Do NOT give in to the peer and societal pressure to get married, regardless of your age. Bite through it and figure out what you want from life before you settle. Because divorce statistics don’t lie.
And if what you’re wanting more than anything is, in fact, to get married and have kids, consider whether that is going to be enough for you in 5 year’s time when your now doting partner has grown bored of you.
A bit cynical, perhaps, but statistically quite probable.
